English Sex Joke

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

 As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps

 into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into

 her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your

 heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She

 replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

……………………………………..

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get

you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"

 responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating

 something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let >> >

 me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6

 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

…………………………………………………………………

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be

 seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange

 brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about

 sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,

 "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.

 It identifies that American Indians have the longest

 average penis and Polish men have the biggest average

 diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

 He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.

……………………………………………………..

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently

 taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

 The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a

 gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay

 fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to

 sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his

 wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have

 a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

………………………………………………………………….

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there

 for a number of years when he came home one day to confess

 to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an

 urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife

 suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about

 it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He

 vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few

 weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife

 could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

 "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I

 told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis

 into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I

 did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,

 Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

 "Oh...she got fired too."

……………………………………………………

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been

in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to

 rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On

 doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and

 tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests

 he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is

 any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and

 this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that

 the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait

 outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man

 to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about

 five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor

 his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which

 the man replies: "She choked."

…………………………………………………..

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he

 notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big

 black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7

 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch tomato, 3 pound left ball, 3

 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!

 The big black dude picks up the small white guy and

 brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks

 the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy

 says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude

 looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch tomato,

 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner

 Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you

 said 'Turn around. '"

……………………………………………………………………….

 There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

 They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when

 the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,

 we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,

 "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this

 breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We

 were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years

 ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should

 we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and

 sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old

 lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you

 today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be

 surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and

 the other is in your oatmeal||||||